Beard Season

Ladies, have you caught a real man this beard season?

A real man (scientific name, Taldarc enhansom) can most easily be identified by his broad shoulders, deep voice, and gentlemanly manner. He is a prized catch when he has his full winter beard, a mane covering his lower face, jaw, and neck. Once thought of as a means of keeping warm in the winter, the beard is an evolutionary tool which makes the real man appear larger and stronger, cushions his face from blows, and hides scars from previous altercations. It is also thought to offer the real man a reproductive advantage over his non-bearded counterpart, as the most fertile females of his species (scientific name, Phittsmart enbyutiful) seem to prefer his mane. Scientists studying the real man in his natural habitat have reported wide variations of fullness, length, color, and grooming of the beard across the species. However, there are no conclusive links between beard variation and a man's rank within his social pack.

When tracking and hunting a real man, it is important not to alert your bearded prey of danger. Be certain not to wear too much make-up as this may bewilder, confuse, or frighten a real man. It may be tempting to hunt a real man at his favorite watering hole, but these areas are often crowded with the species and prone to displays of dominance; all too often, the hunters become the hunted. Certain areas may allow the use of bacon and beer as bait, but be sure to check your local laws and regulations before use. For certain men, a relationship may be the most effective trap, but not all men can be caught this way. Adjust your hunting techniques accordingly.

Beard season ends in early spring as the men shed their winter mane. So ladies, hurry up and bag your man before the season is over. Happy hunting.