Surviving the Airport: A date with Security

Got a thing for a man in uniform? Trust me, we all do. But how do you set yourself apart from the thousands of other travelers and snag that cute TSA agent at the security checkpoint? Try these conversation starters, and I will guarantee you some hands-on time with your TSA agents:

"Dude, you gotta check out my new Nike's. They are the Bomb!"
"How much you wanna bet this doesn't get through the scanner?"
"Did you listen to Rihanna's new album? Her career is just Blowing Up."

Ok, so you've started the conversation, and I bet you'll let the TSA agent get to second base during that pat-down you're about to get, but how do you hit the home run and go all the way with your sexy man in uniform? During your frisk definitely say:

"If you're more handsy, I'll put my seat-back and tray-table in the upright and locked position."
"Watch out for the python, he bites."
"A little lower...oh yeah...and just go slow for a bit."

Alright! He's nearly yours now, and you've certainly gotten yourself some one-on-one time with the officer in a private room. Here's your chance at romance! Forget the mile high club, you're about to experience the pleasure of a full-on cavity search. It's time to close the deal:

"It's a shame you can't smoke on planes, because I'm going to need a cigarette after this."
"Can we grab the lube from my carry-on? Oh, don't worry it's the 2.8 ounce bottle."
"How about next time, I play the TSA agent and you play the naughty drug smuggler?"


Assuming everything goes well, your TSA agent will have booked you an overnight stay at an offsite facility for some..."additional questioning." What you do from here on out is up to you. Good Luck and Happy Travels.

Writer's Block

Writer's block. That's all that came to mind when I sat down to write. I sat and stared at the keyboard, put on some music, and I couldn't think of anything to write.  That's what writer's block is, when you can't think of anything to write, right?

Nope. It is literally impossible to not think of anything to write. That big brain of yours is filled with things to be written; ideas, thoughts, words. Writer's block is your brain telling you not to write because your idea isn't yet "perfect." My "perfect" idea is something that is entertaining and interesting to you. If I can't think of anything entertaining or interesting, I can't write. Writer's block is easy enough to cure, just write something.

Beat writer's block: Don't worry about writing the perfect idea. Begin by writing an idea. Start with a word. Put that word on paper. More words will follow. Editing will sculpt those words into the perfect idea.

Surviving the Airport, Pre-Departure Tips: Part 2 - Morgantown, WV

If you read the first Surviving the Airport post, you're probably well on your way to becoming a savvy traveler. You're dressed for success with your comfortable, functional clothing and ready to hit the airport. Right?

Wrong! Ask any girl; it's not just about the outfit. You need to accessorize!

Gotta-have Handbags: Fashion before function, I always say, but forget the Louis Vuitton clutch at home. Strut the jet-ways in style with this season's hottest weekender-bag. Weekender bags are pretty standard; you are looking for a small-medium duffel-like bag. And forget the roll-aboards, they are soooo last season.  As a weekend warrior, you need the space that those wheels and handle take up, and trust me, the stiff, boxy frame on your roll-aboard just doesn't compliment that slender figure of yours.

Every girl has to have the carry-all, Big-Ass-Bag. For a larger, checked bag, I recommend The North Face Base Camp Duffel. The fabric is water resistant, durable, and highly visible. It can hold enough clothes for 2+ weeks. If it is lightly packed, most airlines will let you carry it on, and on top of all that, it solves the worst part about duffel bags - the fact that you have to lug them around - by adding backpack straps. Doesn't match your Jimmy Choo pumps? Take the roll-aboard. There is little shame in toting a roll-aboard, if it is checked! 

Earrings that bling: Classy, pearl studs or big, gaudy hoops? Minimalist ear-buds or big, in-your-face headphones? A girl's gotta have her pearls. Yes, I know; big, flashy, colorful Dre Beats or the ever-so-slightly more subtle Bose noise cancelling headsets are what’s hot for the under-25-with-too-much-money crowd. Even if you’re wearing the gaudy headphones to send the signal that you’re not to be talked to; trust me, putting in your iPod ear-buds will give Chatty Cathy in the seat next to you the impression that you want some quiet time. As a bonus, you can toss them in your carry-on without worrying about damaging them, and when that fateful day comes when you do forget them on the plane, ear-buds won't break the bank like those Beats or those pearls.

Well-kept woman: This is the time to be the girl that has it all. The shiny new phone, the moleskine planner, the e-reader, snacks, chapstick, gum. Sorry to disappoint; no poorly drawn parallel here. Bring your smartphone, journal, Kindle, iPod, and every other creature comfort that you probably already have crammed in your Long Champ handbag. Use that 4 hour layover in ATL to your advantage and catch up on your reading, jam out to some Ingrid Michaelson, or work on that new year's resolution to write in your journal, all while enjoying that trail-mix or cliff bar that the airport security-god was kind enough to let you keep.

Ever heard, "There's surviving, and then there is living." Survive the airport with the bare minimum: hand-me-down luggage and that Vanity Fair magazine that you picked up at the last minute. Or spend your travels living by carrying your stylish weekender bag, blasting hip music through your ear-buds, and killing layovers and downtime with your tech savvy time-wasters.

2 for '12 - Morgantown, WV

Wheelie a Motorcycle: Check.

If it is going to be 60 degrees in January (insert Al Gore/global warming joke here), I may as well get out on the bike. Emboldened by declaring my bucket list to the world (insert joke about my actual number of readers here), I decided it was time to cross off my second item.

 Just two days earlier, my attempts to wheelie had been foiled by a snapped clutch cable and an embarrassing ride home on a motorcycle stuck in second gear. Today I would not be stopped. Again emboldened, this time by my ability to replace the clutch cable, I set out to a deserted parking lot at the edge of town.

"And....?" You might wonder. Nothing spectacular. Unlike skydiving, this is one of those been-there-done-that bucket list items, and I'm ready to leave it in the dust. In all my adventures, I do my best to mitigate risks. Having wheelie'd, consider the bucket list item checked and the desire to wheelie gone.

12 for '12 - Morgantown, WV

If I put my New Year's resolution in print I gotta do it, right? Now that you know what it is, you can remind me to do it before the year ends, or make fun of me on January 1st for not making it. Your choice.

New Year's Resolution: Knock 12 items off my bucket list. More specifically, these 12:

1. Shoot a Gun (Jan 13, 2012)

2. Visit New York City (Tokyo, London, Istanbul, San Fran, LA, but never NYC)

3. Run a marathon (Two countries? One marathon?)

4. Hitch hike (If the marathon goes bad...)

5. Polar Bear Plunge (It's been a mild winter, I better knock this one out now)

6. Drink Hennessy (Warm up after the plunge?)

7. Graduate (If I don't get this one done, I will have plenty of time to do the others)

8. Play golf (Full size golf)

9. Become fluent in another language (Das ist nicht so kompliziert!)

10. Visit Toronto (eh?)

11. Wheelie on a motorcycle (Maybe this one should be 12)

12. Learn CPR (Now that you don't do mouth-to-mouth it is considerably less fun)

Good luck on your resolutions! I'm gonna need it on mine...

Travelers Torture: Rollaboarding

Ok, drawing a connection between waterboarding and a roll-aboard may be a bit extreme, but I'm not happy about either of them. American travelers are addicted to wheeled luggage. I am officially making public my vendetta against the clicky-clack, standard-black roll-aboard. I'm declaring war against the masses of mindless travelers with roll-aboards in tow.

My guerrilla tactics have been rendered ineffective by the sheer number of roll-aboard travelers. I can only flip so many roll-aboards when I "accidentally get my foot rolled over." I can't fight the good fight alone. I'm calling on you to join the fight. While we may not be able to flip all of the roll-aboards, maybe we can start a revolution and turn back the clocks to a time when a simple weekender bag was the only way to travel. 

Declare independence from rigid, wheeled carry-ons that take up all of the overhead room. Take back the space at the bottom of your luggage that your roll-aboard frame has taken from you. Free yourself from boring-black-boxy luggage. Silence the clack-clack-clack of wheel on tile.

Join my ranks and reap the rewards. Once the enemy is eliminated, I promise you that your soft-cased weekender duffel will fit easily into the overhead. No cramming, no jamming, no gate checking. 

Surviving the Airport, Pre-Departure Tips: Part 1 - Houston, Texas

Face it. Getting through airports sucks. Some more than others (I'm talking about you O'Hare). And no matter what you do or who you are, every flight you take, you will have to jump through whatever hoops the TSA has in place, just like every other schmuck traveling that day. However when it comes to sailing through the airport in record time, you've got the advantage over the typical Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Traveler; you've got brains and a little experience on your side.

As you wait in line for security, you find yourself picking off your little metal trinkets and placing them in your bag. As soon as you get to the X-ray machine, you can slam your appropriately sized carry-on onto the belt and breeze through painlessly. But I'm here to tell you, your boarding pass to a pain-free experience at the airport is issued way before you get to the security checkpoint.

Over the past year, my 30+ flights (80+ if you count my one way tickets to 10,500 feet) have led me through a trial-and-error experiment on leisure travel. I've tested everything from clothing to luggage, shoes to snacks, toiletries to accessories.Compiled below are my Pre-Departure Tips for my tested and true departure day clothing:

1. Underwear: Something comfortable (Duh!). I choose brightly-colored boxer briefs. They don't bunch-up when sprinting to catch that tight connection, and when you luck into getting the random strip search, those neon-pink American Eagle briefs are bound to bring a smile to the sternest TSA agent.

2. Pants: Comfortable and functional is the goal here. I choose the most comfortable pair of jeans that I am bringing on the trip. For me, this usually means my Lucky Brand selvage denim. They have a little stretch to them and are not so baggy that TSA targets me for that strip search. On longer international flights, I pack a pair of running shorts in my carry-on; I don't want to spend a 14-hour flight to Japan in jeans. Functional means that I wear a pair of pants that I actually want to have on my trip. I don't recommend sweat pants (Yes, they are comfortable, but I can't think of any situation that I need sweatpants during travel). If you wear sweatpants, I can guarantee that your favorite chap-stick will fall out of your pocket and your pants will drop to your knees as you run to your gate.

3. Shirt: Whatever you want here. As long as your shirt does not voice your support for Al-Qaeda or other terrorist organizations, it won't matter what shirt you wear. I choose a nice dark-colored, soft cotton tee. Soft for comfort, dark to hide any dirt or stains from the day of travel.

4. Socks: Wigwam Rebel Fusion Quarters. I don't compromise on this. With these your feet will be comfortable and dry, and more importantly, when you decide to secretly slip off your shoes on that red-eye to San Francisco, you won't wake your neighbors from their slumber with your terribly smelly feet.

5. Shoes: Comfort. See the pattern yet? I choose the most comfortable pair of shoes that I am bringing on the trip. Also, I go for the pair that has a speedy on-off feature. When I get to that dreaded point in security when I need to sock-it through the full body scanner, I want to get my shoes off and especially back on quickly.

6. Jacket: I always travel with a light jacket that has multiple pockets. The pockets are useful for storing things during security screening, and having a jacket allows you to adjust your layers when you transition from the neutral airport to the freezing jetway to the hotter-than-hell plane.

7. Others: I always wear a belt. It is my one feature that slows me down during my travels, but I find it necessary to keep my pants on. I keep my watches/jewelry/etc. to a minimum. The less stuff you have on you, the better.

All in all, don't wear anything that you don't want to have with you during the trip. Wear stuff that is comfortable and functional, and don't wear things that will attract negative attention from security. Travel often, and travel safe!